Meeting Our Anxiety
Do you tend to ruminate about the past?
Are your thoughts often about what you wish you had done differently or what you wish someone else had done differently?
Perhaps you worry about the future.
What might go wrong, or how can you prevent something from going wrong?
Whether we are thinking about the past or about possible futures, we can be caught up in our version of the story that focuses on what we consider problematic. As we are feeding energy into this narrative, our thinking tends to be negative even if we are trying to problem-solve for a positive outcome. Our story may involve criticism of ourselves or others, and we may become rigidly attached to a certain outcome because our view is narrow while in this state.
When we perceive we are in danger, we might go into fight, flight, freeze, or appease as a way of trying to feel safe again. Our thoughts may be racing, or our thinking may seem fuzzy.
What is happening when we are anxious?
When we are feeling anxious, our sympathetic nervous system is activated, and we are alert for recognizing danger. In this state our heart rate may be elevated, and our breathing may be shallow and quick. This is a natural and beneficial physiological response to danger. However, if this occurs when we are in a social situation, we may feel anxious about our anxiety being visible. Even when we are alone, we could feel anxious about the anxiety if we are afraid that we cannot control how we are feeling. Feeling anxious about feeling anxious is very common and is often the underlying reason for panic attacks. Therefore learning how to respond to our anxiety differently can help us de-escalate rather than panic.
How can we get through these difficult experiences?
Responding to anxiety in a constructive way may seem counterintuitive. Often when we are uncomfortable, we want to control something outside of ourselves to feel better. When something seems beyond our control, our anxiety may increase if we believe we are only going to be okay if we can control what is important to us. Reducing our anxiety involves learning to be with our experience differently.
We can work with our anxiety response with specific strategies through calming our nervous system, mindfulness and acceptance, and cognitive reframing.
Learning to respond to our anxiety in a constructive way can help us shift from a sense of helplessness into more confidence and empowerment.
Calming Our Nervous System
Being in survival mode keeps us looking for problems. Working with our physiological response can help us move into a state for the mind to think more expansively.
We want to move from the sympathetic to parasympathetic nervous system response, which means moving from an alert hyper-vigilant state to a relaxed state.
Key aspects of these strategies are that you are listening to your body rather than trying to over-ride your body, and you are gently letting your body shift into a more relaxed state. I suggest trying out a few different strategies for relaxation to find one that works for you.
Practice allowing your breath to shift from quick and shallow to slower and deeper so you are breathing into your diaphragm rather than just into your chest. The sense of allowing rather than forcing this change is aligned with moving from trying to control your body into working with your body.
Diaphragmatic breathing
Place one hand on your chest and the other on your belly. Breathe in slowly through your nose and imagine breathing into your belly from the bottom up. Breathe slowly out through your mouth. As you practice learning to breathe into your diaphragm, you’ll notice that your hand on your chest will not be moving, and the hand on your belly will be rising with each in-breath and lowering with each out-breath. Most of us are not accustomed to breathing deeply, so be patient with yourself if you find this is initially difficult.
After learning diaphragmatic breathing, try one of the following breath practices. Repeat the breathing technique several times until you feel relaxed.
Box breathing
Breathe in deeply through your nose for a count of 4, hold for a count of 4, breathe out through your mouth for a count of 4, and then hold for a count of 4.
4-7-8 breathing
Breathe in deeply through your nose for a count of 4, hold for a count of 7, and breathe out slowly through your mouth for a count of 8.
Cyclic sighing
Breathe in deeply through your nose, and slowly exhale as a sigh through your mouth.
In addition to breathing practices, let’s explore other strategies that may help your body feel safe to relax.
Progressive muscle relaxation
You may either sit or lie down for this practice. Begin by internally scanning your body from head to toe and notice where you may feel tension. Then take a slow deep breath or two in through your nose and out through your mouth. The next step is to choose a muscle group, such as your shoulders, to tense for 5 seconds and then to relax for 10 seconds. As you are tensing, notice the sensations. As you are relaxing, notice in contrast how much more relaxed this area of your body feels. Take this in for a few seconds, and then choose another muscle group to first tense and then relax, noticing the sensations in each moment. Move through this practice with as few or many of the muscles in your body as you want to practice relaxing.
Being outdoors
Spend a little time outside, noticing the natural sights and sounds of your surroundings. Feel the warmth of the sun, the breeze on your skin, or the sensation of your feet connecting with the ground. As you gently bring your attention to the present moment, allow your body to settle and your breathing to become a little slower and easier. Even a few minutes in nature can help calm the nervous system and restore a greater sense of balance.
Soothing Sounds
Listen to sounds that you find calming, such as gentle music, rainfall, ocean waves, birdsong, or other nature sounds. Allow your attention to rest on the rhythm and texture of what you hear, noticing when your mind wanders and gently bringing your focus back to the sounds. This practice can help shift your attention away from anxious thoughts and encourage your nervous system to settle.
Grounding
Sit comfortably in a chair and notice the places where your body is being supported. Feel the weight of your back against the chair, your legs resting on the seat, and your feet making contact with the floor. Rather than trying to change anything, simply allow yourself to notice that the chair is holding you, moment by moment. Spending a few minutes focusing on this sense of physical support can help bring your attention into the present and allow you to shift into relaxation.
Visualizing a safe space
Find a comfortable place to sit, and consider closing your eyes or lowering your gaze. Imagine a place where you feel safe and comfortable. This might be a place you’ve been to, or this could be a fantasy of a place you create. Some people imagine being in their most comfortable place at home, either in bed or on the couch. For some people the place is a favorite vacation spot, and for others this could be an imagined remote location or a magical place from a book. As you imagine being in this place, fill in the details of the place including what you see, hear, and smell. Notice the peacefulness of this place, and allow your body to relax as you enjoy the experience.
Quality Time with Animals
Spend a few quiet moments with your pet, noticing the warmth of their body, the softness of their fur, or the steady rhythm of their breathing. Allow yourself to focus on the simple experience of being together. Positive interactions with animals can help reduce stress, encourage relaxation, and bring your attention into the present moment. Even a brief connection with an animal can soothe us.
Mindfulness & Acceptance
Remember that an important part of working with anxiety differently may seem counter-intuitive at first. Mindfulness practices involve noticing our experience as an observer without judging. Accepting rather than resisting the sensations of your body’s response to anxiety allows you to release the second layer that otherwise escalates anxiety.
Practicing mindfulness first with pleasant or neutral experiences may be easier than with unpleasant experiences. You might practice being aware of your sensory experience such as when eating, when sitting outside, or when showering. Choose an experience that is not layered in difficulty for you. In each moment you are noticing sensation, scents, and sounds. Notice in each moment the nuances without analyzing or telling yourself anything about what you are aware of. You might notice your emotions as they come and go and shift into other emotions. You are noticing each moment through your senses and emotions.
After practicing being present with neutral or pleasant experiences, you can bring this skill to working with moments of anxiety.
Remember that this practice is in being aware of your sensory experience without judging the sensations as bad and without worrying about how much worse they might become. You are noticing as an observer what you are feeling in the moment rather than talking to yourself about what you are feeling.
If your heart rate is faster than baseline, you might notice the sensations of your heart beating. You might become aware of a sensation of warmth in your face if your skin is flushed. You might pay attention to your breath moving in and out of your body. You can also alternate your awareness between one of your anxiety symptoms and other sensations in your body that are neutral or pleasant, such as noticing sensations in your belly and then noticing sensations in your feet.
Your mind is learning to be aware of your experience without getting hooked in to a story about your experience. Noticing warmth in your face is feeling the sensations in your face rather than being concerned about the sensations.
Being present with the sensations without resistance, judgment, or fear helps us develop the ability to know we are safe and okay even when we are uncomfortable. With practice we can increase our capacity to stay open rather than going in self-protection.
Cognitive Reframing
When we are in an anxious state, reframing our thoughts is very difficult because our higher level of thinking is off-line and we are in our reptilian brain. For this reason, I suggest first practicing the strategies above before trying out a different perspective.
When your nervous system is somewhat regulated, notice whether you have the capacity to be curious. A state of curiosity is expansive rather than constricted, so you are likely to see many possibilities. You might realize that positive and neutral explanations, as well as impersonal rather than personal explanations are possible.
Could the outcome of a situation be acceptable even if it is not our ideal scenario? Might someone have “been inconsiderate” because she was unaware of her impact due to being in her own distress? Perhaps we realize we will be okay even if we have difficulty trusting our own resilience.
When in uncertainty, curiosity is the antidote to fear.
Each of these new perspectives can remind us that many possibilities exist that are outside our awareness, especially when in survival mode. When our body is more relaxed, we have access to our brain’s prefrontal cortex and can process information in a more beneficial way. As we become curious, we can also reflect on other people’s experiences, intentions, and feelings. When we can feel emotionally safe, we can then be in open-hearted curiosity and compassion.
Feeling safe allows us to move from self-protection into availability for connection.
Self-compassion
Practicing self-compassion can also help us soothe ourselves. Look for parts of yourself that are caring and understanding. Allow this aspect of you to gently validate that feeling anxious is an uncomfortable part of the human experience, and learning to respond differently can be challenging initially. Be kind to yourself through these moments.