For the Higher Desire Partner

Sexual desire discrepancy is a common issue couples face. If you want sexual intimacy more frequently than your partner, consider what you tell yourself about this difference. 

If you blame your partner, you might feel resentment. If you blame yourself, you might feel a low sense of self-esteem. If you tell yourself this is a significant unresolvable relationship problem, you might feel hopeless. When we go down this path, we are likely to contribute to the emotional distance, which is typically counter to improving one’s sexual relationship.

Perhaps rather than a narrative of blame, you tell yourself that you and your partner have different interests, differences in pathways to sexual desire, and different ways of feeling connected. Are you curious to learn with your partner more about your differences?

Connect through Collaboration

If you want more pleasure and connection with your partner, I encourage you to have meaningful conversations together about what you each want more of in your relationship.

If you are the partner more motivated to find solutions, reflect on how you present your ideas. Do you come across as demanding and dismissive, or do you express curiosity about what might feel connecting for both of you? Are you open to learning their pathway to pleasure even if this is more relational than erotic?

You might explore with your partner what they would enjoy if there were no pressure for sex to be the outcome. Would you both enjoy reminiscing about a favorite memory from early in your relationship? Perhaps one of you gives the other a sensual massage. Maybe you read an erotic story to your partner. The key aspect is that you both feel that the experience is bringing you closer together in the moment.