Desire Discrepancy
Do you and your partner have radically different ideas about how often you want to have sex? Odds are you each think the frequency of your own desire is normal and your partner’s desire is way too much or way too little. My guess would be that you each have a normal level of desire, and the challenge is the discrepancy between your norms.
Like other areas of your relationship, you have individual differences, which is wonderful. Regardless of how much you think your partner should agree with you on everything, it’s so much better to have complementary styles rather than having the same interests and strengths and challenges. As with the other places where you disagree, you’ll be happier and more fulfilled if you can work together to address this discrepancy between the levels of your sexual desire.
If you’re the partner who wants more sex, it can be easy to personalize this, thinking your partner doesn’t find you desirable or doesn’t love you. If you’re the partner who wants less sex, you also can personalize this, thinking your partner objectifies you and just wants your body or doesn’t value quality time with you in conversation or shared activities.
I encourage you to each listen to the other with the wish of understanding how your partner feels and what your partner wants. Your conversation will be more meaningful and constructive if you can stay emotionally present with the other rather than getting caught up in feeling guilt or shame for not having the same wants as your partner. Remember these are individual differences to explore and work together to address rather than an issue of blaming the other for not wanting what you want. Enter the conversation with the intention of putting yourself in the other’s place so much that you can understand being in their position of having more or less sexual desire than you, as well as to feel what this has felt like for your partner. Bring your open heart and the desire to co-create a pathway to meet together in ways that are fulfilling for both of you.
