Whose Sexual Desires Are Centered?
Our ideas and feelings about sex and sexuality are shaped by many factors, including the culture and gender roles we are raised in. Most people can recognize, and may subconsciously operate from, the cultural messaging that centers men’s sexual pleasure. A woman’s role then is seen as being in service to men’s sexual pleasure. Culturally we have made some headway in pleasure equity, but we still have a lot to heal, especially in relationships between women and men.
If you’ve been socialized as female, discovering your own sexual desires may be challenging. When we do experience pleasure, feelings of guilt or shame may surface because this goes against our conditioning. This kind of cultural conditioning contributes to experiences of objectification and performative sex.
Rather than sex being a mutually enjoyable experience, a woman may be seen by herself or her partner as an object of pleasure. Instead of being authentic in her experience, she may forgo her feelings and be in performance mode to please her partner, especially if she knows that his pleasure is based on her pleasure. Performing can include the appearance of being in pleasure for the ego or arousal of the partner, as well as a way of getting through sex more quickly when the experience is not enjoyable. To be able to tolerate sex that she may not want or enjoy in that moment, she may adapt by dissociating during sex.
If you have a sense of disconnection in your sex life, even if you don’t know exactly what it is, consider whether you are centering your partner’s desires. Perhaps you already recognize discrepancies in your sexual experiences, and you may have strong feelings of anger, resentment, or despair when you think about your partner’s sexual desire. If you realize you have operated for years as a giver or allower of the other’s wishes, sex therapy can provide a space to process past unwanted sexual experiences, discover and challenge unconscious beliefs, and release yourself from a sense of obligation to sex. This space can then allow for your discovery of your own sexual desires and enhance your capacity for presence, emotional connection, and authentic pleasure during sexual intimacy.
