Add Kindness
Could you be kinder toward yourself? Many people say they are their own worst critic. Imagine if we were to instead become our own best friend. How might this shift affect your life and your relationships?
The critic in our minds is often developed early in life, perhaps mimicking the critical messages from adults about themselves, us, or others. We might believe being self-critical is a necessary part of being responsible, accountable, or successful. The reality is that self-criticism can lead to shame, which is a significant obstacle to feeling empathy, taking responsibility, and being resilient through challenges.
Being kind to ourselves means we care about our own needs. We can then listen to our bodies and rest when we need rest, eat when we are hungry, and ask for support from others when we are overwhelmed. When we are kind to ourselves, we can develop trust that we will be able to soothe ourselves when we are in pain. We will also have a greater capacity to care about other people’s needs. Learning to be understanding and compassionate with ourselves makes space for us to take responsibility for our mistakes and feel compassion for others if our missteps have caused someone else pain.
Research indicates that couples who are kind to each other have more satisfying, stable, and successful long-term relationships. Kindness between partners includes sharing in each other’s joyful moments. When we are happy we often want to share our joy with those we trust to be happy for us. Kindness also includes having difficult conversations without attacking each other. Being kind to yourself and your partner during disagreements involves letting your partner know you feel hurt and angry without trying to hurt your partner in return.
Another form of kindness in relationships is to be gracious in the assumptions we make about our partner’s intentions. When we assume our partner is trying to hurt us, we have a negative experience of the relationship regardless of our partner’s actual intent. If our partner is actually trying to hurt us, this is cause for true concern about whether to stay in the relationship. If however our partner is not trying to cause us harm, the relationship dynamic can improve by recognizing when the tension is about a difference in what you are each wanting or needing in a specific instance. You might practice appreciating your individual differences rather than seeing the difference as an affront.
Look for opportunities to add kindness to your interactions with your partner, as well as the ways in which you treat yourself. You have the capacity to soften the critical voice and give more space to the kind parts of you that will bring more moments of understanding and care.
