Healthy Disagreements
How skilled are you and your partner in working through uncomfortable topics or disagreements? Is there just one topic you can never seem to resolve, or does it seem impossible to work through all disagreements?
Typically an argument involves two people who are each convinced they are right and the other person is wrong. Often they also each think the other person started the argument, so they can even argue about whose fault it is that they are arguing. Whether you have said this aloud in an argument or not, is this something you often believe?
Regardless of who brings up the issue, if either person is unhappy about an aspect of the relationship, discussing the topic is important so you can work through a resolution together. If a topic is considered to be off-limits, this is fertile ground for growing resentments and secrecy if the unhappy partner is seeking resolution alone.
Individuals have different levels of tolerance for disagreements, which may be due to one’s temperament or due to prior experiences. One partner may calmly bring up a difficult topic and the other may be uncomfortable enough to consider the calm discussion intolerable conflict. If a couple has a history of arguments in which either or both people feel hurt or disrespected, and they don’t make repairs after the argument, one partner may avoid arguments because the perceived cost is too great to risk voicing their feelings.
Disagreements can send individuals into survival mode, which for some is fight mode and for others is flight mode. Some people go into freeze mode in which they are hardly responding or are passively agreeing and may not be able to think clearly. If you and your partner go to fight mode, disagreements escalate quickly. If one person goes into fight mode and the other goes into flight or freeze, the fighting partner may become angrier when their partner is trying to avoid the argument. Regardless of which roles you each go into, this part of the argument isn’t moving you toward resolution. Take a break to calm down and bring your prefrontal cortex back online. You need a minimum of 20 minutes focusing on calming your body before you are capable of higher level thinking again.
When you come back together to work through the issue, try to bring a desire to listen and understand your partner’s perspective. Understanding your partner’s experience does not negate your own perspective but rather may create space for your partner to also want to understand your perspective. Taking responsibility for your part of the issue as well as validating your partner’s feelings are worthwhile investments in having a constructive dialogue. Your relationship will deepen when you can feel empathy or compassion for each other when there is a challenge between you. If you and your partner both engage in each of these steps, you will both feel respected and understood. Learning to talk through uncomfortable topics with care for each other ultimately increases connection and emotional intimacy in relationships.
