Dating Anxiety
Is dating stressful for you? Do you wish it were easier to enjoy the experience?
Meeting a new person can be exciting and fun, or we can spend the time worrying about how the date is going for the other person rather than actually living our experience of the date. The whole dating process can highlight our fear of rejection and fear of being judged for what we don’t like about ourselves. This can feel like being incredibly vulnerable with a total stranger. Why would you trust a stranger to be accepting and understanding?
If we think we aren’t interesting or funny or intelligent, this is what we worry others will think of us. If we think we aren’t attractive or accomplished enough, this is what we worry others will see as well. Dating is the ideal setting in which to project onto a new person our self-criticisms because we want to be accepted but don’t know yet if we will be.
When we are dating from a place of fear, we may want acceptance so much that we don’t consider whether the other person is a good match for us. We may go to great lengths to make the perfect impression and then worry that even if the person likes us that they wouldn’t really be interested if they knew who we truly are. We could continue dating someone that is not a great match because we are afraid no one else would be interested in us. If we tend to try to take care of others’ feelings, we could continue dating someone just to protect that person from feeling hurt.
How can dating feel better? Begin by practicing anxiety management strategies to work through any worry you have before the date. When you are on the date, practice being present in each moment. Bring your curiosity to learn about this new person. Ask open-ended questions, listen with interest, and balance this with sharing about yourself. If you notice you are concerned about what the other person thinks of you, acknowledge to yourself these are worry thoughts, and re-engage in the experience the two of you are sharing.
After the date, if you realize you are ruminating over what you said or didn’t say, again acknowledge to yourself this is anxious thinking. If you are analyzing what the other person thought of you based on all the cues you can recall, this may also be anxiety-based. You deserve to be kind to yourself after your date. Bring self-compassion to the discomfort you’re feeling. If you are being self-critical, be patient with your process of learning to be kind to yourself.
Once you’ve softened toward yourself, reflect on whether you are interested in a second date with this person. Did you enjoy the dynamic between you? Did you feel an attraction? Are you curious about how another date would feel? If so, consider taking the risk to let the other person know. You may feel vulnerable being the first one to express the desire for a second date, so be courageous. If the other person isn’t interested, you might consider this helpful to know that you’re not as good a match as you may have hoped you would be. You may feel disappointed or sad, and it’s still helpful that the person was honest with you. Similarly, if you have decided after the first date that you’re not interested in a second date, this is important for the other person to know. You may both feel this way, or the other person may feel disappointed or sad that you weren’t as good a match as they had hoped.
Perhaps you both truly enjoyed the first date and are excited about meeting again! Your first date may lead to a second date and a third and a relationship. Dating isn’t about learning whether or not you are lovable and desirable. Dating is about meeting new people in your search to discover love between yourself and another.
