‘Low’ Sexual Desire
Perhaps your level of desire for sex is not where you’d like it to be; maybe you want sex less frequently than your partner, or maybe you’d just like to feel more connected to your erotic self.
Sex drive can be influenced by various factors, like pelvic pain or anxiety around sex. If a woman experiences pain during sex, her anxiety around sex may increase while desire decreases. If your partner has a higher sex drive than you, you may feel a sense of pressure to match them. You may believe there’s no satisfying either of you. If you say no, you may feel the guilt of disappointing your partner; if you say yes, you may feel the shame of betraying yourself.
Consider that because sexual desire is relative, there is nothing wrong with your level of desire. Addressing any level of discrepancy between you and your partner can strengthen the experience of sex for both people. When working on sexual desire, I encourage clients to release self-criticism and judgment and move toward self-compassion. Experiencing self-criticism while navigating what may be perceived as “low” sexual desire is not an uncommon experience. Be gentle with yourself and consider sharing vulnerably with your partner about your experience.
Sharing with your partner presents the opportunity to understand one another better, develop emotional intimacy, and receive reflections of compassion from them. Carve out time with your partner to relax and share affectionate touch. Agree to remove the expectation that sex will be the outcome of the time you make for sharing affection. Give yourself permission to ease into low-pressure intimacy, and hold the intention of connection and safety. Help your partner understand where the boundaries are, being any point just before you feel anxiety, pressure or shame coming on. As you continue to spend time with your partner like this, you will build emotional safety, helping to ease some of the anxiety and stoke your sexual desire.
If you’re on a journey of reconnecting with your sexual self, you can find guidance through the online self-paced course Rediscovering Desire.
