Performance Anxiety
If you struggle with anxiety about sexual performance, you know how much this can detract from a pleasurable experience. Performance anxiety can happen to people regardless of gender or sexual orientation, and it can be triggered initially for many reasons related to past experiences or internal beliefs. This anxiety is due to an over-focus on sexual behavior from a place of self-criticism or fear of criticism.
Anticipatory anxiety during sex is often self-fulfilling because anxiety tightens muscles, constricts blood flow, turns us off by keeping us in our negative worry thoughts, and disconnects us emotionally from others because we are in survival mode. This is not a state for feeling sexual desire, pleasure, or emotional intimacy with a partner.
Improving your sexual experience involves breaking the cycle of worry about performance so you have the chance to learn through positive experiences that your catastrophic thoughts were untrue. This is a challenging cycle to break because we tend to continue worrying until we have proof that we do not need to worry.
Let’s begin with changing your goals and expectations. Great sex is not about climax; it’s about the emotional and physical pleasure of the whole experience. An intense sexual experience involves partners being present, emotionally available, and energetically engaged. Bring interest, excitement, and passion! Feel the moment rather than thinking about your worries. Tap into your desire to be physically close to your partner and focus on this longing. Allow your excitement to build so you can express how you truly feel through emotional and physical connection. Pay attention to your partner’s verbal and non-verbal communication of what is desired, and with lots of enjoyable practice you will become attuned to each other’s communications of what would be pleasurable. Rather than assuming, explore and communicate with different types of touch. The more you are in the moment together, the more enjoyable and fulfilling the experience will be.
