Sober Sex
Is alcohol a frequent partner in your sexual experiences?
You might feel like you’re more in the mood for sex after a drink, or maybe after a few drinks. Because alcohol lowers inhibitions and impulse control, you may be more likely to engage in sex, though this can also make the capacity to give consent questionable.
Alcohol increases subjective desire, arousal, and pleasure, which sounds great! However, what this means is that the altered state of your mind perceives a better sexual experience than your body is actually having. How can you learn what you and your partner find pleasurable if your brain is not receiving accurate information?
The reality is that alcohol relaxes muscles and decreases blood flow to the genitals, which affects the sexual experience of people across gender. This means adding alcohol to sex reduces lubrication, causes erections to be less firm and more difficult to maintain, and makes climaxing less likely as well as less intense if orgasm occurs. If you’re choosing alcohol to reduce performance anxiety, you may feel less anxious but you’re more likely to have the performance issues you’d have otherwise been worried about.
Alcohol also takes away the emotional intimacy that could otherwise be a part of a meaningful sexual experience. If you are looking for pathways to better sex with a partner, consider why you would be trying to numb your emotions before engaging in sex. Having sober sex may lead to a deeper emotional connection with your partner, which is one of the wonderful benefits of sex.
As a sex therapist, I talk with clients about the underlying reasons they may be mixing alcohol with sex. If you tend to drink before sex, consider what you are trying to remedy and then explore other ways of coping with your concern. If you are drinking to relax, explore what about sex brings stress. If you feel uncomfortable with emotional intimacy, you may benefit from learning whether this is about the relationship you are in or whether it is about avoiding intimacy with anyone. If alcohol is your anxiety management tool, try to identify what you are afraid of and explore the actual issue. If you’re trying to find desire for sex through drinking, you may discover other pathways to desire that don’t reduce physiological arousal or emotional availability. Ultimately using alcohol regularly to cope with difficulties can cause long-term sexual dysfunction due to the impact on the body as well as emotional development.
If you want to enhance your sexual experiences, consider having a platonic relationship with alcohol and then discover what your body and heart really find pleasurable.
