Desire Discrepancy Drama

If you have been in a relationship for at least a few years, you've likely experienced times when you and your partner have had a difference in sexual desire frequency. For some couples the difference is temporary and situational, while for other couples this is a reflection of individual differences.

Often the way in which couples respond to the sexual desire discrepancy is more impactful than the discrepancy itself. If you and your partner have experienced relationship difficulties around your difference in level of desire, reflect on your narrative about this situation. What do you say to yourself about your partner and your relationship in regard to the desire difference? Does this story lead you to feeling more or less connected to your partner? Do you feel empowered or disempowered in working through this issue?

In some cases the person with higher desire thinks they are at the mercy of their partner to solve this challenge. They might tell themselves that their partner is withholding sex, and they may think the only way they can be happy is if their partner will decide that they want sex more often.

In some relationships the person with lower desire thinks their partner is judging their sexuality as broken or as not good enough. They might believe their partner is trying to fix their sexuality by convincing them to have sex more often. If they feel helpless in this story, they may wish their partner would want sex less often or reassure them that they are okay.

Do you see yourself in either of these scenarios, blaming your partner for the difficulty and waiting for them to solve the issue? You might relate more to the role of the rescuer, trying to solve this for your partner, or you may be in the role of the persecutor, being judgmental and controlling as a way to deal with a frustrating situation.

Regardless of which role(s) you may identify with, the narrative itself is a story of disempowerment and can lead to feeling hopeless about resolving the tension in your relationship.

Writing a new story

Try out a more empowered perspective. How can you describe the desire discrepancy without judging yourself or your partner? Write a story that highlights each of your strengths and desires in the relationship as you are acknowledging the differences between you.

Reflect on what you can do to be centered and open-hearted when you and your partner talk about how the desire discrepancy affects each of you.

Rather than blaming yourself or your partner for the discrepancy, find ways to reconnect with each other so your next steps are collaborative. You each need to feel empowered to bring more connection and pleasure into your relationship.

If you’re uncertain about how to work on this issue in your relationship, couples sex therapy sessions can help you each identify how you can contribute to change.