Embracing the Silver Lining of Arguments

Disagreements and arguments are a natural part of being in a relationship. They can arise from differences in opinions, misunderstandings, or simply the stresses of life. However, what truly matters is how we handle these conflicts and how we repair the emotional wounds that may have been inflicted. The silver lining of arguments is that making repairs can increase emotional intimacy between partners.

During a disagreement we may want to continue arguing until we convince our partner we are right, or we may have the desire to shut down and escape. In either situation, we are likely already at a place where the communication is no longer beneficial. If you can both allow a break, you are more likely to resolve the issue afterward. Some couples find that having an agreed-upon code word or signal can help them agree to take a break.

Now how do you utilize the break? You could spend the time going over your argument in your head, thinking about the reasons you’re right and how wrong your partner is. If you do this, you’ll likely be prepared to resume the argument but not to resolve the disagreement.

You might instead each take the first 20 minutes to first allow your nervous system to regulate so you can move out of survival mode. You could go on a walk, sit and take slow deep breaths, pet your dog, or listen to the birds sing. After your blood pressure is back to baseline, take some time to reflect on what you each said, including the issue and also the way you each talked to the other. Consider whether what you said or how you said it may have caused hurt, and allow yourself to feel compassion for your partner that they may have felt hurt.

When you both are willing to take the time to consider the other’s feelings, you are on the path to making meaningful repairs. After you’ve each taken this time for self-reflection, within 24 hours come back together with the desire to listen with an open heart, to take responsibility for your part, and to express care for your partner. If you both arrive with these intentions, you are each investing in a deeper emotional connection in your relationship.