Reducing the Desire Discrepancy Gap
Sexual connection is a meaningful part of an intimate relationship, and when this does not come easily the tension can impact other aspects of the relationship. If you have difficulty connecting sexually with a partner, explore what the obstacles and motivators are for each of you, and learn together how you can enhance you sexual dynamics.
Researchers have heard over 200 reasons people are motivated to have sex, including wanting to feel pleasure, please a partner, be emotionally closer to someone, feel attractive, be closer to god, or have a baby. What are some of the reasons you want to have sex? If this is difficult to answer because you aren’t connected to your desire, consider what are reasons you wish you wanted to have sex?
When you allow yourself to value your reasons for desiring sex, you are taking a step toward making time to build desire. How would you spend this time in building desire? What is appealing to you? Consider what you can enjoy on your own to connect you to your sexuality, such as reading erotica, listening to sexy music, or self-pleasuring to get your body aroused. You might sometimes want to then take that sexual energy to connect with a partner. Do you desire deep conversations, quality time, a candlelight dinner, or a massage that then may put you in the mood for sexual intimacy? Do you have a desire for emotional closeness or physical pleasure that you have felt through past sexual experiences?
Dr. Emily Nagoski describes two different sexual response models, one being spontaneous desire and the other responsive desire. Spontaneous desire describes the experience of wanting to have sex and then feeling aroused, while responsive desire describes wanting sex in response to feeling aroused. She reports that 75% of men and 15% of women have spontaneous desire, 5% of men and 30% of women have responsive desire, and both responsive and spontaneous desire are experienced by 20% of men and 55% of women.
Dr. Rosemary Basson however describes all sexual desire as responsive to stimuli, even if the stimulus is subtle such as a memory of a past experience. Perhaps our perception of spontaneous desire is simply a quick response to erotic thoughts and arousing sensations, while responsive desire allows for the opportunity to stoke the fires with more flirtation in building anticipation.
We are more likely to have spontaneous desire in the limerence phase of a relationship, that magical beginning when both people are obsessed with each other and sex is more important than sleep. As we move into the long-term commitment and security of a stable relationship, we remember the importance of all the other aspects of our lives and make less time for sex. Our hormones also play a role in this shift as we move out of obsession and into familiarity with our partners. Our sexual satisfaction can increase in our long-term relationships when we invest in learning what we want and communicating this to our partners. We could worry more that they will judge us, or we can develop a deep trust and level of acceptance that allows for mutual vulnerability.
If you have spontaneous desire and your partner has responsive desire, you might feel like you’re the only one interested in sex. Yet if you initiate and your partner enjoys sex with you, then you could treasure that your partner’s desire is so closely linked to intimacy with you. In spontaneous desire you can learn to enjoy the feeling of having desire without an immediate resolution. Are there times you let your desire lead to frustration and resentment of your partner if they are not in spontaneous desire? If so, your sense of urgency for immediate gratification is then creating distance between you. Alternately you can allow your wanting to encompass awareness of your attraction, respect, and appreciation of your partner, leading you to deepen your sense of emotional closeness. If you tend to be in desire more often or more quickly than your partner, explore allowing desire to rise and fall without immediate resolution, and direct your longing into experiences beyond sex that are connecting for both of you.
The beauty of responsive desire is having space for creating a longing for sex. The first step is to want to get in the mood. Rather than only developing interest if your partner initiates, share the responsibility for your sexual relationship. If you are open to the possibility of feeling desire, then you can choose to do what might put you in the mood. How can you arouse your senses? What creates an erotic mindset for you? If you tend to be in desire less often or desire builds more slowly for you than for your partner, invest more time and energy in the experiences that lead you to sexual desire.
