Pelvic Pain: Choosing Sex That Feels Good
What defines "good sex?" More than just physical satisfaction, good sex typically involves elements of desire, deep connection, and pleasure. However, for many women with persistent pelvic pain, the fear of experiencing pain during penetrative sex may cause them to avoid sex entirely, leading them to believe that they will never be able to experience "good sex" again.
It is common for women with persistent pelvic pain to experience a decline in sexual desire due to the fear of potential pain. This avoidance often creates tension between partners and fuels feelings of disappointment, resentment, or obligation.
For example, a woman with persistent pelvic pain who feels pressured to engage in penetrative sex despite her discomfort will begin to view sex as something she has to tolerate instead of viewing it as the pleasurable and connecting experience it once was, or could be. Her partner may begin to feel insecure, undesired, and become reluctant or avoidant of initiating sex so as to not inflict pain or cause a partner to feel pressure or guilt.
Another common obstacle for women or couples who suffer from persistent pelvic pain is the belief that good sex requires penetration and anything else is “less than” or “not real sex.” This viewpoint is not only damaging to interpersonal connection and intimacy, but also limits the boundaries of pleasure to fit the arbitrary standard that penetration is necessary for sex to be considered “good.”
Fortunately, women and couples who deal with persistent pelvic pain can have GREAT sex. The key lies in acknowledging that sex is not hierarchical, and there exists no universal definition of what constitutes "good sex." By shifting the perspective and understanding that pleasure and connection can be achieved in ways beyond penetrative sex, individuals and couples can begin openly discussing the sex they want and find pleasurable. In turn, they will begin viewing modifications in sex as opportunities to create new avenues for giving and receiving pleasure and sharing a connecting experience.
Most women who experience persistent pelvic pain often have to endure the physical and emotional discomfort caused by their condition for years until they find proper guidance, leaving them feeling discouraged, frustrated, and invalidated. Addressing the impact that persistent pelvic pain has on sexual desire, confidence, and connection is crucial in sex therapy. My self-paced, online course Reclaiming Sexual Wellness and Pleasure involves navigating relational strains and preconceived notions of sex to reclaim connection and pleasure without triggering or exacerbating the pain.
If you’re a woman who struggles with persistent pelvic pain, please know that you are capable of enjoying sex again. If you need assistance getting there, let’s discuss how I can help.
