Boundaries Enhance Relationships
When we talk with someone in our lives about how we want to be treated, we are setting a boundary. If we are uncomfortable setting boundaries, we may be telling ourselves someone will feel hurt or rejected. This may seem risky if we see the other person as fragile or if we believe they are volatile and a danger to us. While we may feel awkward or afraid of voicing boundaries, this may be necessary for some people in our lives to learn what feels healthy and safe for us.
If we don’t set the boundary, we may be the one to feel hurt and the relationship will also be hurt, even if the other person is unaware of the cost because we didn’t tell them. Having the courage to set a boundary is an investment in ourselves and in our relationship. We are saying we know and love ourselves, and we know we deserve to be treated well.
Some people are skilled in recognizing subtle indicators of boundaries, while others need overt communication about boundaries to know where they are. If we are tuned in to subtle cues, we may expect everyone else to also be as aware as we are, and we may feel hurt when people do not recognize our boundaries.
While clearly stating a boundary may be necessary, providing our rationale for the boundary is not. We do not have to convince anyone our boundaries are reasonable or appropriate. No one has the right to determine our boundaries except ourselves.
If someone sets a boundary with us, we need to accept this as important information about this person. They are telling us how they want to be treated and what is important to them. They may be telling us what feels loving to them and what feels hurtful to them. We need to try to appreciate that they are taking care of themselves.
What can we do if a person’s boundary seems to impede on our need in the relationship? Suppose your partner says he will no longer have sex with you, your best friend says she will only communicate by text and not phone, or your housemate says they are not going to take out the garbage anymore. The other person’s boundary has an impact on your life. If both people are invested in continuing a relationship or in sharing resources and responsibilities, a discussion can be very important. Can you each hear from the other what is important or difficult about the boundary? If you are sharing what is difficult, share what want or need is unfulfilled. If you set the boundary, listen to understand how your boundary affects the other person. Once you each understand the other, is there a solution in which both people have their needs met without either compromising themselves?
